Star Page 4

  on the cover instead of under it.

  "Momma had fallen asleep with her clothes still

  on and was spread-eagle, alone, breathing through her

  mouth and looking like she had been put into a trance.

  Rodney, who still slept next to them on his cot-bed,

  was sitting up, playing quietly with one of his toys.

  He looked happy when he saw me looking in on him "My heart felt like a Yo-Yo whose string had

  broken. All night it had gone up and down with every

  sound in the building that suggested Daddy's return.

  Now, it was clear he hadn't come back and I was sick

  with fear.

  "I took Rodney into the living room and fixed

  him some breakfast. Momma woke up looking dazed

  and confused as usual after a night of drinking. She

  was surprised to see Daddy hadn't returned, too. "'Where'd Daddy go?' I asked her

  "'How would I know? Who cares?' she said, but

  it bothered her when he didn't return the next day. She

  got on the phone and complained to Granny and then

  two days after that, she started to call some of Daddy's

  friends and I guess she found out he had left Los

  Angeles. That was when she went to welfare and cried

  about our situation.

  "For a long time, I expected Daddy would come

  back, even after I saw him that last time and he

  hurried away from me. I never told Momma I had

  seen him. I knew it would just make her wild and

  angry and after a while, I began to wonder if I had

  really seen him or just imagined it out of hope.

  Whenever the phone rang, I hoped it was him calling,

  but it never was. Momma was so furious she would

  swear she wasn't going to take him back if he did

  show up, but I knew in my heart she would.

  "Granny started to spend more time with us

  soon after all that. She lives in Venice Beach so it was

  a trip for her. When I would go to see her, I'd have to

  ride the Big Blue Bus for nearly two hours to make

  the right connections and you know the buses don't

  run that often."

  I glanced at them.

  "Well, you girls probably don't know 'cause you

  probably never been on a Big Blue Bus in Los

  Angeles, have you?"

  "I have," Cat blurted. She looked like she had

  confessed to a crime or something. "My mother didn't

  know I did, but I did," she added.

  "How'd you like it?" I asked her.

  "It was all right," she said. "Nobody bothered

  me."

  "Why should they? Just because someone don't

  have enough money to have his or her own car don't

  mean they're rapists and serial killers, you know:' "I was just scared," she said. She said it with

  such honesty, I couldn't harden my heart against her

  for it.

  "Yeah, well, I've been scared on the bus too," I

  admitted, "especially at night.

  "But I often had to ride it then because I would

  have stayed at Granny's too long and I didn't want her

  to have to drive me home in the dark. Her eyes

  weren't so good back then and they are even worse

  now.

  "I got so I ran to Granny every so often because

  I couldn't stand coming home from school and finding Momma drinking, Rodney still in his pajamas, and the house looking like ten slobs lived in it. Granny knew why I showed up at her house in the afternoon from time to time, but she didn't harp on it. She had tried and tried with Momma and finally just threw up her hands and declared, 'My Aretha's just one of those people who have to decide to help themselves because

  they won't let anyone else do it.

  "'Your momma will wake up facedown in the

  gutter one day and maybe then she'll decide to do

  something about herself,' Granny told me.

  "She told it to me so often, I began to wish for

  it, wish I would come home and find Momma outside

  facedown in the street. I suppose it don't say much for

  you when all you can hope for is your momma hitting

  rock bottom sooner than later, but that's how it was

  and I'm not ashamed of praying for it.

  "That's right," I said glaring at them before they

  could gasp or ask some stupid question, "I did pray

  for it. I went to sleep asking God to send my momma

  close to hell as soon as He had the opportunity. "So yes, I did get so I hated her. At times it was

  like a rat of hatred was gnawing at my heart. I

  probably will always hate her," I declared firmly. No one said a word. It was as if we were all in freeze- frame, not a movement, not even the sound of

  anyone breathing.

  "Not having Daddy home even once in a while

  was like taking a leash off a dog as far as Momma

  was concerned. She didn't have to worry about him

  coming back from work and not finding her in the

  house. She didn't care what the house looked like

  either, since he wasn't there to criticize and complain.

  At first, it was like her way of getting even with him

  for leaving her. I could almost hear her say, 'He

  thought I was a no-good drunk slob before? Well, he

  should see me now.'

  "I stayed home from school even more because

  after I saw to Rodney, it was often very late in the

  morning and I'd have missed the first two classes by

  the time I got there.

  "Then Momma went and did the worst thing of

  all: she got herself a night job at One-Eyed Bill's

  waitressing and helping out in the kitchen.

  "By then I was able to make dinner for Rodney

  and me, and I cleaned the house and did most all the

  chores. That's why I told you earlier that it got so my

  little brother didn't know who was his mother and

  who was his sister.

  "Momma was supposed to always be home by one o'clock, but there were many nights when I know she didn't come home until three or four. She'd be so dead out of it in the morning, I could drop a frying pan next to her bed and she wouldn't as much as bat an eyelash. Lots of nights she was too drunk or tired to bother getting out of her clothes. She smelled so bad from beer and whiskey, the whole bedroom reeked like a One-Eyed Bill's. The stench would reach through the walls into my room. I'd have to open all

  the windows in the place."

  "Ugh," Misty said holding her stomach. Jade

  swallowed hard and turned away for a moment,

  pressing the back of her hand against her mouth. I

  couldn't blame them.

  "You get used to it:' I muttered. "You'd never

  dream you would, but you do. There ain't much else

  you can do, but turn the other way most of the time" "I understand," Cat said in a quivering small

  voice. She was holding her attention on me. "You do? That's good, because I don't," I said.

  She just continued to stare, but I felt she was looking

  at her own memories now, not mine. After a moment

  she seemed to snap out of it and look down again. "Granny came by often to help out and

  occasionally make us a real good dinner:' I continued. "She and Momma had some big fights, but Momma would wail and claim she was doing the best she could, deserted by a husband and left with two kids to

  raise and support.

  "'Why do you think that man left you?' Granny

  would ask her and that would be the same as lighting

  that wick again. Momma wo
uld go wild, her arms and

  legs and even her head swinging so hard, I thought

  they might just fly off her body and bounce against

  the wall along with her screams.

  "'How can my own mother blame me for that

  rotten man? Why is it always my fault? He was the

  one who made all them promises, wasn't he? I did the

  best I could with the little money he brought us. Lots

  a times he brought us nothin' because he was out of

  work so much. It's no loss him bein' gone, no ma'am.' "On and on she would go and I'd listen and

  wonder if she really believed the things she said.

  Maybe her eyes saw differently. Maybe she was just a

  step or two off-center and her world was running on a

  different track, you know. She always looked so

  satisfied with herself after one of those explosions of

  temper, like she had made important points and shut

  everyone up. That's when I began to understand what

  was meant when someone said 'You're only fooling yourself.' Momma really was fooling herself. She truly believed she was the victim and not us, not even me and Rodney. We were . . . just unfortunate enough

  to be born.

  "Like I said, I guess no matter what your life is

  like, you can get used to it and just accept things as

  they are. Of course, I knew other girls my age didn't

  have this kind of life. Oh, they helped out with their

  little brothers and sisters, but their little brothers and

  sisters didn't become their children. They still thought

  about boys and parties and going to the movies and

  having fun. I couldn't think of anything without

  thinking about Rodney being a part of it. I didn't have

  a night off, so to speak," I said. "I was afraid of

  bringing anyone to my house. I didn't want my friends

  at school to know just how bad things were for me

  and for Rodney.

  "Then," I said, taking a sip of water and

  thinking for a moment, "then I got so I could live

  through their stories. Their lives became my life. It

  was easier to pretend, to imagine my name was Lily

  Porter or Charlene Davis and in my mind go home to

  their houses and live with their families.

  "You're all looking at me like I was crazy.

  Well, maybe I was for a while. Doctor Marlowe says

  I'm not crazy now."

  "No one's crazy here, Star. It's an inappropriate

  word, a meaningless word," she said.

  "Yeah, maybe, but I sure wasn't in my right

  mind. I did some things," I said. After a moment, I

  added, "Things I haven't even told you yet, Doctor

  Marlowe.

  "Whenever I met someone who didn't know

  me, for example, I would give them a phony name,

  one of the names of the girls I envied and I would talk

  like I was Lily Porter or Charlene Davis, describing

  their homes and their families as if they really were

  mine.

  "A couple of times, I went to Charlene Davis's

  house, walked right up to the door, pretending I was

  coming home. One time, I nearly got caught doing it.

  Her sister Lori came up behind me without me

  knowing and asked me what I was doing.

  "'I was just going to see if your sister was

  home,' I said. She looked at me sideways because she

  knew I knew her sister was on the cheerleading team

  and would be at practice. I made believe I forgot and

  walked away quickly. When Charlene asked me about

  it the next day, I said I was just in her neighborhood

  and had to kill some time. She didn't believe me. They

  all started looking at me as if I was funny.

  "I couldn't help it. I wanted their lives so much

  I'd follow their mothers around a supermarket,

  pretending I was with them, buying food.

  "You think I was pretty pathetic, don't you?" I

  asked Jade.

  "No," she said. "Really," she added, when I

  looked skeptical. "I can understand not wanting to be

  who you are. I've felt like that lots of times." "Me too," Misty said.

  "Yes," Cat said. "Me too." She looked like she

  meant it more than any of us. How could her story be

  worse than mine? I wondered.

  "There's more," I said, now willing to tell it all.

  "One time I hurt my ankle in gym class and the

  teacher sent me back to the locker room to get

  dressed. I noticed Charlene's looker was unlocked and

  I opened it and took her blouse."

  "Why?" Jade asked with a grimace.

  "To wear it later, when I was alone at home in

  my room. I pretended I was her and I lived in a nice

  house with a real mother and a father. Her daddy

  works for the city. He's some kind of traffic manager,

  makes good money, and her mother always looks

  stylish. They come to the basketball games and watch her cheer for the team. She's about my size, too, so the

  blouse fit real good."

  "What happened when she found her blouse

  was missing?" Misty asked. "Did they accuse you?" "No. The teacher made everyone open her

  locker and she looked in all of them."

  "How come they didn't find it in yours? Where

  did you put it?"

  "I didn't put it in my locker," I said. "I told you

  I wanted to take it home with me so I hid it under my

  skirt and no one dared look there. They just thought

  someone had come into the locker room and robbed it.

  Things like that had happened before. Charlene had to

  wear her gym uniform top for the rest of the day. "About a month or so afterward, I brought it

  back and left it on the bench near her locker.

  Everyone thought it was weird. It was weird," I

  admitted.

  "No it wasn't," Cat piped up. Everyone looked

  at her. She didn't hide her face this time.

  "Why not?"

  "I don't just want to be in someone else's

  clothes; I want to be in their bodies," she confessed. Everyone was quiet. The air felt so heavy and

  even with the lights, a thick shadow seemed to hang

  over the ceiling and walls.

  "Well," Doctor Marlowe said. "Why don't I go

  check on the pizza for us? It's getting close to that

  time."

  She rose and looked at me.

  "I guess you'll continue after lunch, right?" I nodded and she left us. As soon as she had,

  Jade turned to me.

  "I'm sorry I was nasty to you before," she said

  and then quickly added, "and I'm not trying to show

  you any pity so don't get mad at me."

  "It's all right," I said. "About now, I could use

  some, I suppose."

  "I suppose we all can," Misty said.

  "As long as we don't depend on it," I said. "It's

  a little scarce outside this place. My granny says if

  you wait too long for pity, you'll miss the train to

  happiness."

  They all smiled, even Cat. Everyone looked a

  lot more comfortable. It was like we were all trying

  each other on for size, making adjustments here and

  there and finding ways to make it work.

  "Your granny sounds like a wise old lady," Jade

  said.

  "She is. Well, I guess I am hungry," I said. "Least we'll get something out of this, lunch. I ho
pe I

  didn't spoil anyone's appetite."

  "Not mine 1" Misty blurted and put her hand

  over her mouth.

  And then we all laughed.

  It felt good, like some of that sunshine after the

  storm Granny always expected.

  3

  Doctor Marlowe had a table set up for us in her closed- in back patio. There were large windows facing the pool and yard and a sliding door. It was still raining lightly, the drops zigzagging to outline odd shapes on the glass. Birds flitted from tree to tree, probably excited by the sight of worms that had come out of the dampened earth. The birds were about to enjoy a little feast too, I thought. When I caught sight of my reflection in the glass, I saw I had a smile on my face. It happened so rarely these days, it took me by surprise and I touched my cheek as if to be sure it was me.

  I don't often look at birds, I thought. I know they are there where we live with Granny, but I just don't take the time to notice or care. Here, with such beautiful grounds, bushes, hedges, flowers and a small fountain, I felt different, almost as if I was out of the city. I imagined it wasn't as big a deal for the others. They looked like they took it all for granted . . . big houses, birds, trees, flowers and fountains.

  "I see your gardener took out those oleanders," Jade said, remembering what Doctor Marlowe had told us the day before. "Yes. I hated to see them go, but they were dying and had to be replaced."

  "My mother doesn't know one flower or bush from the other on our property. She only knows they cost a lot," Misty muttered. "She deliberately got a new gardener recently who's more expensive." She smiled and added, "Because it's part of the agreement she has with Daddy that he has to maintain the property. That was one wham-barn of an argument-- the new gardener," she told us gleefully. She had a mischievous looking little smile on her face.

  Sophie brought out a jug of lemonade and the pizzas. It occurred to me that if we weren't brought here by our parents, courts and schools, the chances of the four of us sitting around a table and having lunch together were almost as small as Granny winning the lottery. Maybe we had passed each other in some mall or in the lobby of some movie theater, but I was sure we had never looked at each other and actually seen each other. Up until now we were as good as invisible to each other.

  "I wasn't sure if everyone liked pizza," Doctor Marlowe said as she took a seat. "It's just a good bet."

  "I eat everything," Misty said.

  It was something I would have expected Cat to say. She was the one who looked like she could afford to shed some pounds. However, when she ate, she ate like a mouse, nibbling with hesitation like she thought she was going to be caught doing something illegal.