Bittersweet Dreams Read online

  “That’s why I came to you first. Might I suggest, Mr. Martin,” I added with a look of firm determination, “that as serious as it might be for a teacher, it is twice as serious for a young girl like Allison. Her whole emotional life could be damaged here. Her parents, my father especially, would be very, very upset.”

  “Of course,” he said. “But young girls like Allison often form crushes on their teachers, and they fantasize, too.”

  “Absolutely. It will be up to you and whoever else to investigate and determine whether it is true or not. At some point, you’ll have to ask for her diary to read the details or, if and when it comes to it, inform the proper authorities to request it.” Before he spoke, I added, “Please keep this as quiet as possible for now, until you and whoever do a proper investigation.”

  “Yes, that’s very important.”

  “You can be assured I won’t talk about it. I’ve already explained why.”

  “Good.”

  “Mr. Martin, if you betray me, I’ll make sure my stepsister clams up, and things will go far worse for everyone, especially the school administration. There are too many examples almost daily now of young people being abused and authorities sweeping it all under the rug to keep from being embarrassed.”

  “I understand. I’ll handle it,” he said quickly, and stood up. “Thank you for your trust,” he added.

  I rose. “No. Thank you for helping us. I’m leaving it entirely in your hands,” I said, my voice full of warnings.

  He nodded, and I left his office.

  I didn’t think I’d ever felt stronger, taller, and more powerful than I did at that moment. Anyone seeing me walk down the corridor would think I had just taken over the school.

  My timing was good. The bell rang for lunch, and I intercepted Allison on her way.

  “Take a walk with me,” I said, pulling her away from her friends.

  “What is it?”

  “Mr. Martin called me into his office to ask about you, about the stories he had just heard. He has a very high regard for me and has often asked my advice about things, but this is quite different and the most serious thing of all.”

  Blood rushed into her face.

  “Don’t worry. I handled it well, as I promised. When he calls you in, tell him the truth. Can you remember some of the details you wrote in your diary?”

  “I guess so.”

  “When you wrote in your diary, did you include dates so someone would understand when these things actually happened?”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s good, very smart of you, Allison. It’s like proof when it’s written like that. I’m proud of you. So just tell those things if you’re asked. You can tell him what you told Lisa, too. Did you tell her everything you wrote in your diary?”

  “Not everything.”

  “Then just start with what you told her exactly. He might call her in, and it’s important that she tells him what you said just the way you said it.”

  Her eyes began to tear up. She bit her lower lip. I think she was actually shaking.

  “It’s all right to look frightened, but if you’re told you could get into great trouble by making false accusations against Mr. Taylor, don’t start crying and say you made it up. This is a big embarrassment for the school and especially for the administration. They’ll be hoping you’re lying. They’ll try to pressure you to say you were, but I told you that you could hurt us all, because they wouldn’t stop with you. They’d call in my father and your mother, and other people would know about everything, especially Mr. Taylor. Okay?”

  “Yes.”

  “When Mr. Martin calls you in, come look for me afterward to tell me what happened. I’m in the library all day today. All right?”

  She didn’t answer.

  I shook her arm. “All right, Allison?”

  “Yes,” she said.

  “Good. Go eat lunch, and act as if nothing is wrong,” I told her, and sent her on her way.

  I watched her in the cafeteria. Her friends were their usual boisterous and dramatic selves around her, but she sat like someone made of stone. When the bell rang to return to classes, she looked like she would need help to stand, but she did. I saw her walk out talking with her friend Lisa. Maybe she was warning her.

  Toward the end of the following period, she came into the library. She looked pale and fragile. I was keeping an eye on the door, so when she appeared, I got up quickly and indicated that she should go back out.

  “Into the girls’ room,” I said, and she followed me in. “Okay. Tell me everything that went on. Don’t leave anything out.”

  “It wasn’t just Mr. Martin. Dr. Richards was there, too.”

  “Yes?”

  Finally, she started to cry. It was as though the tears had been pushing on her eyelids like a wild river pressing on a dam. They streamed down her face. Her lips trembled, and her shoulders shook. I put my arm around her and took her into a stall, put the toilet seat down, and had her sit. Then I handed her tissues and waited.

  “It was just like you said it would be. Mr. Martin said he heard I was spreading stories about Mr. Taylor. He said it was a very, very serious thing and I could get into very big trouble if I was saying things that weren’t true about a teacher.”

  “And?”

  “I didn’t say anything. Dr. Richards was nicer. He smiled at me and said I shouldn’t be afraid. I should tell them anything I wanted. So I did what you said. I thought about my diary and told them some of the things I had written in it.”

  “What exactly? You never showed me the diary, remember?”

  “Like when Mr. Taylor started touching me and when he asked me to help him with marking quizzes. I only had study hall, so I could do it.”

  “He gave you a pass out of study hall to come to him?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, they can check that out easily enough. Very good, Allison. That was good thinking.”

  She smiled through her tears.

  “What then?”

  “I couldn’t say some of the other things. I told them I was too embarrassed to say them, so they took me in to see Mrs. Milligan.”

  “The nurse. Very good. I should have anticipated they would do that,” I added, but more for myself than for her. “What did she do?”

  “She asked me all kinds of stuff, like what was in the book you gave me.”

  “And you told her?”

  “She saw I couldn’t say it easily, so she said she would ask me a question, and if it was true, I should say yes or, if I couldn’t talk, just nod.”

  “I didn’t hear everything in the gossip. What sorts of things did you say yes to? Him touching you between your legs, under your panties? It’s all right to tell that. Those things often happen when someone takes sexual advantage of a young girl. Well?”

  She nodded. “Even more,” she said.

  “Good. What did she tell you to do now?”

  “Go back to class.”

  “You don’t have to go back to class,” I said. “You’re too upset. We’ll return to Mrs. Milligan’s office. Don’t worry. I’ll go with you now. You’ll say you came to look for me. It’s all right.”

  “I’m scared,” she said.

  I put my arm around her. It felt as surprising to me as I’m sure it did to her. I had never embraced her like this before, but in a way, I felt I was embracing myself, comforting myself. I even kissed her on her forehead the way my father might kiss me to give me a sense of security. “You don’t have to be the one who’s scared now, Allison. Besides, I’m with you. C’mon,” I urged, and walked her out.

  I brought her to the nurse’s office and told Mrs. Milligan she had come to me and was too upset to return to class. I asked her to let Allison rest in one of the small rooms she had in her office area, and of course she did.

  “Did she tell you any of this?” Mrs. Milligan asked me.

  “I’d rather not talk about it now,” I said. “Besides, it might be legally unwise to do
so. You should have kept her here. How could you expect her just to carry on as if nothing unusual had occurred after you cross-examined her? This is a major emotional and psychological crisis for a girl her age.”

  She recoiled. My sharp tone was like a slap to her. She nodded and went about some clerical work without trying to defend herself. I looked in on Allison, held her hand for a few minutes, and told her to be brave.

  “Remember, you’re doing this for all of us, Allison, especially your mother and my father. You’re okay?”

  She nodded and squeaked out a tiny “Yes.”

  I returned to the library. It was better to keep busy and behave as though nothing unusual was going on.

  Stage three was about to start.

  It began right before the end of the day. Julie was called to the school, and my father soon followed. They were in Dr. Richards’s office when the bell to end the day rang. Dr. Richards’s secretary came looking for me and told me to report to his office. I waited in the outer office. When the door opened, Julie had her arm around Allison’s shoulders. Allison had been crying again, but now that was fine. The more she cried, the better it was, in fact. She would get the credibility she needed.

  My father looked at me and shook his head. “You know what’s going on here?” he asked.

  I nodded. “She came to me after she was called to the office, and I took her to the nurse’s office because she was so upset.” That was all true. I wasn’t lying to him.

  “Let’s go,” he said.

  Since he had met Julie at the school, they had two cars. I was to ride home with him, and Allison rode with Julie.

  “What a mess,” he said as we drove off behind Julie and Allison. “When did you learn about this?”

  “I had some suspicions, but mostly last night.”

  “Why didn’t you say something to Julie about it?”

  “I’m not exactly Julie’s favorite person right now, Daddy. I wasn’t going to be the one to start something like this. What if it’s not true? It has to be handled correctly.”

  “It sure looks true. You know that old expression ‘Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.’ ”

  “Yes, Grandmother Lizzy always said that,” I replied. He turned and saw me smiling at the memory.

  “What a mess. I wouldn’t mind having Lizzy around to help with it.”

  “Where are we going?” I asked when I saw Julie miss a turn that would take us home and he turned to follow.

  “We’ve arranged for Dr. Baer to see her.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Julie wants her checked out to see . . . you know, if she’s been sexually violated.”

  “That’s disgusting. That will make her even more upset. That could cause serious emotional damage, Daddy.”

  “It’s got to be done. This is a criminal situation now.”

  “But she never said things went that far.”

  “Who knows what she’ll tell and won’t tell, Mayfair, even to you. She’s a very frightened little girl.”

  I sat back. This shook me up a little, because I hadn’t anticipated it, and I should have. I really did feel sorry for Allison. I would hate to have had something like this done to me after being with Alan Taylor.

  At the doctor’s office, we waited in the lobby while Allison and Julie were in the examining room. When they came out, Julie looked at my father and shook her head. For a moment, I wasn’t sure what that meant. It occurred to me that Allison might have somehow lost her virginity without telling me about it. Girls could have their hymens broken in other ways, too. I was a prime example.

  We stood up, and Julie stepped closer.

  “She’s still a virgin,” she told my father but also for my benefit.

  I looked at Allison. She seemed to be walking in a trance. My heart twisted with regret. I didn’t want to see her in so much emotional pain, but my anger was directed fully at Alan Taylor for both our sakes now.

  “Let’s go home,” my father said.

  The fact that she was still a virgin didn’t contradict what I had read in her diary. She had never described penetration, so I didn’t let that fact detract from the validity of the rest of it. What I had read and how she had reacted to my questioning were convincing enough for me, especially when I added what my own experience had been with Alan Taylor.

  The story began to spread that night. Julie’s friends were on the phone with her for hours, each taking a turn. Allison was too upset to come to dinner. Something was brought to her room. At dinner, my father and Julie said they had decided that Allison should stay home from school the next day.

  “I don’t think that’s wise,” I told them. “It will only make things more difficult for her when she returns. They’ll be talking about her all day tomorrow. Besides, it will give her more strength if she follows a normal routine.”

  “I won’t have her behave as if nothing unusual is going on. It’s too much to expect of her. She’s not you!” Julie practically screamed at me. “She has real feelings.”

  “Well, she can’t be taking after you, either, then.”

  “Mayfair,” my father said softly.

  I thought about what she had said. I had no trouble returning to school on the days following my tryst with Alan and trying to confront him. His attitude and avoidance were just as traumatic, but I didn’t stray from my normal routine. Was Julie right? Did that mean I didn’t have real feelings?

  “I’m only trying to help. I’ve studied these sorts of traumatic events, Daddy. I know what has been found to be helpful and what has not. It’s not a matter of feelings, Julie,” I said, trying desperately to sound as if I did care about her and what she was going through, having her daughter involved in such a thing. “It’s a matter of what’s more effective. I’m only thinking of Allison.”

  “She’s not going there tomorrow, and that’s that,” she said firmly.

  I looked at my father and then finished eating without saying another word.

  Julie mumbled through the remainder of dinner. “I’m not burying my head in the sand, letting the school take any convenient way out of this. I’m going to make sure that justice is done. Those administrators know it.”

  I couldn’t resist. “I hope it’s better justice than what occurred after those bitches from Macbeth soiled my reputation,” I said.

  Julie bit down on her lower lip. My father shook his head.

  “Maybe that was a terrible injustice,” Julie confessed. “I was only trying to do what was best for you.”

  “She knows that now,” my father said, looking at me pointedly.

  I didn’t have to say anything. Stage four had begun. Julie was going to charge ahead like a wild bull again, and Dr. Richards, unlike me, couldn’t lock his door against her.

  There was nothing left for me to do but wait.

  In the morning, I saw that a substitute was replacing Alan Taylor. It would remain that way until the matter was resolved, but it became very clear that no matter how it was resolved, his future at the school was in jeopardy. Julie and her friends were simply too powerful for anyone, even if he were innocent, to overcome them. This was, after all, a private school that was dependent on tuition and donations from wealthy parents and friends of the school.

  Of course, in my mind, no matter what he did or didn’t exactly do with Allison, he was not innocent. Perhaps I was more of a victim. It didn’t matter now. It was better this way. Julie was taken down more than a peg or two. I was getting two birds with one stone.

  I did have moments of self-doubt and even moments when I thought I had gone too far for justice and revenge, but I always overcame those feelings with cold logic, convincing myself that I was surely not the first or the last high-school girl he had victimized, and Allison wasn’t the first young teenager.

  Before the week was over, Alan Taylor and his counsel appeared at the school for a meeting in the principal’s office. The moment he was spotted, the news flowed like an electric current through the halls, clas
srooms, and offices. How he found out I was alone in the laboratory, I didn’t know, but when I looked up from some slides I was studying under the microscope, he was in the doorway. For a long moment, we just looked at each other.

  “You put her up to it, didn’t you?” he asked.

  “Did I? Or did you?”

  “You can’t believe that.”

  “I believe in what I can prove and what I know from my own experiences. Nothing else.”

  He nodded. “You don’t have to admit to it. I know. I didn’t treat you well. I’m sorry.” Then he surprised me by smiling. “What was it William Congreve wrote?”

  “ ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,’ ” I answered.

  “Exactly. I guess I should have remembered that. Well, have a good and interesting life,” he added, and walked away.

  I returned to my slides, but I wasn’t focusing on anything. My vision was too cloudy. I had my victories, but I was disappointed in my reaction.

  I had trouble seeing through the tears.

  17

  The famous moments of the calm before a storm followed. It was especially dark and silent in our house. Dinners were like funerals. The clanking of silverware and dishes had never sounded as loud. Even the maids seemed to be tiptoeing wherever they went and speaking in whispers. Allison was forbidden to use her phone. She had been told to speak to no one about any of this now that an actual criminal trial was looming. Julie didn’t even want her to mention it in the house. In fact, thinking about all this, Julie was so disturbed one day that she charged up the stairway and disconnected Allison’s phone so it wouldn’t ring, practically ripping the wire out of the wall. She was constantly laying down threats. I thought she was close to having a nervous breakdown.

  Whether he had to or was just looking for some relief from the heavy atmosphere in our home, my father worked longer hours and took three overnight trips during the week. Julie went to dinner with friends all three nights, soaking up waves of sympathy, I was sure. In my mind, despite the act she put on in the house for us, she probably enjoyed the extra attention she was receiving from her friends.