Girl in the Shadows Read online

April. My daughter's unexpected visit has brought

  home clearly what that means."

  "Now, Mrs. Westington..."

  "No, no false hopes, no promises, no head in

  the sand any longer. I can't have Echo left in the lurch

  and I certainly can't have her at the mercy of her

  selfish mother. I want to talk to Tyler about getting

  Echo placed in one of those schools quickly and then

  I'm going to talk to my lawyer about future custody,

  the money I have in trust, all of it. I'd like you to help

  me with it all."

  "Of course I will," I said.

  "Thank you." She lifted the knitting and fixed

  her eyes on me. "So don't go thinking about picking

  up and leaving," she added.

  I laughed. Either I wore my heart on my sleeve

  and had a face that was made of glass with my

  thoughts printed on the inside or she was just a good

  mind reader.

  "Like I told you," she said. "your coming here

  was meant to be."

  "Maybe so," I said, thinking about everything.

  especially Tyler parking his car in the shadows on the

  road and making his way through the darkness to meet

  me in the motor home.

  "If you want, turn on the televison."

  "No. I'm fine,I'm going over to the motor

  home," I said. "I still have things to pack. I'll be

  getting rid of it any day now."

  That was no lie.

  She nodded and then stopped knitting. "You

  never did bring that doll into the house."

  "No, but I guess I will, if it's still all right." "Considering what else has been brought here,"

  she said. smirking, "there's no reason not to. I'd much

  rather have that doll around than that Mr. Skeeter," "Yes," I said. smiling. "So would I."

  I left her knitting, but sinking deeper and

  deeper into her own thoughts and worries. They were

  written in the darkening lines on her face and I was

  truly very concerned about her.

  When I stepped outside. I saw that a heavily

  overcast sky had thickened the darkness. There was

  just enough of a glow from the house lights to outline

  the way to the motor home. Tyler had chosen a good

  night to arrive unseen. I thought. I saw that he hadn't

  put on any lights in the motor home either, but as I

  drew closer. I did see he had lit one of the candles we

  had in the kitchen. The light flickered in the windows.

  He was being so careful. A veil of secrecy had been

  cast like a net over the motor home and both of us. It made what we were about to do seem even more

  forbidden.

  I opened the door slowly and entered, closing it

  softly behind me. I realized I was tiptoeing. too. When

  I looked into the living room. I saw Destiny

  silhouetted in the shadows. but I didn't see Tyler. For

  a moment I had the chilling idea that Destiny had lit

  the candle.

  "Tyler?"

  "Back here," I heard. He was in Uncle Palaver's

  bedroom. "You could have put on the lights," I said. "I thought you had to conserve the batteries." "Yes. I suppose."

  I took the candle and made my way back and

  found him lying on the bed, his hands behind his

  head.

  "Hey," he said. "Hey."

  "I see Rhona's van isn't there. Did they leave for

  good?"

  "We don't kniow. They didn't call or return for

  dinner. I took Echo for a ride earlier to the mall and

  then to the fair in Healdsburg."

  You were there today? We had some of our

  product for sale at one of the booths."

  "Yes, and while I was there I saw Rhona and Skeeter come out of a tavern. Two men looked like they were threatening him. Maybe because of that, they ran off. When I got back here. I found Mrs. Westington had prepared a big dinner as a sort of

  celebration."

  "Why? Celebrating what?"

  "She was hoping that somehow Rhona would

  change if she made her feel more at home. I guess.

  She's very, very depressed now. She wants to talk to

  you about getting Echo into the school and then she

  wants to set things up with her attorney, trusts, stuff

  like that. She's thinks the Grim Reaper has been

  peering in her window."

  "Well. I hope not, but she's wise to want to do

  all that. I'll help with the school."

  He sat up. "What does this mean? You're going

  to leave?"

  "Not until it's all arranged. I promised her." "Good," he said. "Well, in an ironic way. Rhona

  did us all a favor. She convinced Mrs. Westington to

  do the right things with Echo and I won't have to quit

  tutoring to force her to do it. That will make my

  mother happy, too."

  "That's nice," I said dryly, still not appreciating

  why his mother was so against his tutoring a deaf

  child, since that was his life's work.

  "You okay? You want to put on the lights?" "No, this is fine," I said. Actually, it made me

  feel better to be more in the darkness than the light

  when it came to being with him like this.

  "Destiny eyed me coming in," he said. I could

  see his smile. "But I told her I had your permission

  and she relaxed."

  "Right," I said. laughing.

  He patted the bed. "You okay with this? Being

  in here?" he asked when I hesitated.

  "Yes. It's fine," I said, and sat.

  "I thought about you a lot today," he said. "Did

  you?"

  "Yes. Actually. I couldn't get you out of my

  mind and couldn't wait to get here."

  "Where did you tell your mother You were

  going tonight?"

  "Just out, Don't worry about it," he said sharply. I wanted to ask him if he didn't think he was a

  little old to be sneaking around his mother. but I didn't

  want to ruin the moment or get him angry.

  "Echo's so upset about her mother," I told him.

  "It's heartbreaking to see.'

  "We'll help her later." he said. "Let's not think about all that now." He reached out for my hand and to tarn me more toward him. "Let's just think about this." He brought his lips to mine and we kissed. It was a long, lingering kiss, almost too long. I had to

  take a deep breath.

  "Sorry." he said. "I'm a little overanxious." "It's okay."

  He kissed me again, softer, and then he held me

  for a moment, brushing his lips over my cheek and

  then down to my neck. I moaned softly and lay back. I

  let him start undressing mee. He wasn't as awkward

  about it this time and he paused periodically to kiss

  inc again on the lips, the neck, and then my naked

  breasts,

  "One second," he said, rose, and went to the

  bedroom door. "I'm not taking any chances on that

  doll." he told me, and closed the door.

  I laughed. In the shadows he undressed and

  then he prepared and returned to me. I'm going to

  make love. I thought, I'm going to make love with a

  man willingly. It was funny, but before we began. I

  couldn't help wondering if Brenda had ever tried to be

  with a man and if that was when she'd been convinced

  she'd rather be with a woman.

  There was no doubt in my mind that this was Tyler's first time. too. Once again, he w
as somewhat awkward and clumsy, not sure of whether or not he was hurting me or not. He got excited quickly and it all seemed to be over before it had really begun. I felt terribly disappointed. He realized it and kept

  apologizing.

  "Just wait," he said. "Give me a few minutes.

  I'll be better. It will be better."

  I didn't know what to say. I wasn't that sure

  about how it was supposed to be anyway. He lay next

  to me, talking, telling me about how much he had

  looked forward to tonight and being with me. but I

  couldn't help feeling he was trying desperately to keep

  me interested in him and in us.

  "You must think I'm such a fool," he said. He

  sounded very angry now and I wasn't sure he was

  directing all that anger at himself.

  "No, it's all right."

  "Sure."

  "Really," I said. "I'm fine."

  "Maybe we should have the doll in here," he

  suddenly suggested.

  "What?"

  "I don't know. Maybe it adds something." "That's a silly idea. Tyler. Really."

  "I'll be right back." he said. rising. He went into

  the bathroom and a few minutes later, he returned.

  "Let's do it by the book this time," he said.

  Had he really studied up on it, read a book on

  lovemaking with directions and diagrams?

  He sprawled over me, this time not bothering so

  much to kiss me. Instead, he lifted my legs and fit

  himself comfortably in between them.

  "I'll be better," he said. "I'll be better." He entered me slower and then we began to

  make love quite differently, with less of a frantic

  sense. I closed my eyes and he leaned down to kiss

  me.

  "Yes," he said. "Yes, this is better. Tell me. Tell

  me," he insisted, as if he had to be reassured. "It's better," I said quickly. And it was. I wasn't afraid so much of being like Brenda as

  I was of not knowing if I was or if I wasn't. My fear

  was I would be in some sort of sexual limbo, never

  attracted to anyone, never attractive to anyone. Celia, in an intimate moment, once told me she

  had been with men in her youth. "I was just never able

  to develop any sort of romantic relationship with any

  and after a while. I saw them as human dildos," she

  added. It was early on during my time with her and Brenda. and I was actually embarrassed to hear these things. I certainly didn't know what to say. She followed it with her short but melodic little laugh and never spoke of it again. I said nothing about it to

  Brenda.

  I thought about it now, however, and wondered

  if what Tyler and I had just done meant we would

  have a romantic relationship. Even though it had been

  better the second time, so much of what happened

  seemed mechanical. He sat back on the bed, still

  naked, and said nothing. In the glimmer light of the

  candle. I thought he looked very content with himself.

  He was almost gloating.

  "Neither of us are ever going to forget this," he

  said. "for the rest of our lives. I read somewhere that

  sexual experiences are the most permanently and

  deeply embedded memories a person can have. I can't

  imagine someone saying he can't remember having

  been with this woman or that or when, can you?" "I guess not," I said.

  "Anyway. I'm glad I came up here tonight." That was the closest he came to saying anything

  romantic even though he might have planned to say

  more because a moment later, we heard a rap on the

  bedroom window. I turned and looked to see Rhona's and Skeeter's laughing faces and somewhere within

  my chest, my heart bobbed like an apple in a pot. "Jesus!" Tyler cried. He hurriedly covered

  himself, but a moment later, their faces were gone. "Who the hell was that? Was that Rhona and

  her boyfriend?"

  "Yes," I said, and quickly began to dress

  myself. "They must have seen the candlelight

  flickering in the window."

  "Damn," he muttered, hurrying to get his

  clothes on. too. "Who knows how much they saw?

  Who knows how long they were standing there?" "What's the difference what they saw and

  didn't? I don't care about them," I told him.

  "Yes, but they could talk, gossip about us," he

  said. "Damn."

  Was he worried about me, us, or that his mother

  might find out he had snuck up here to be with me? I

  wondered,

  "Take it easy," I said.

  He shoved on his shoes and zipped up his pants.

  "I'd better go." he said. hurrying. "I'll see you

  tomorrow morning."

  He opened the bedroom door and started for the

  front, practically charging out of the motor home. "Tyler!" I called to him.

  He paused in the dark. "Yes?"

  "You could at least say goodnight before you

  run out of here."

  "Oh. Right. Sorry. Good night," he offered,

  glanced at Destiny. and left.

  I blew out the candle.

  I was suddenly more comfortable in total

  darkness.

  9 Dream Catcher

  . I delayed returning to the house. Despite what I had told Tyler about not caring what Rhona and Skeeter thought, I wanted to avoid them and their gleeful dirty smiles for as long as possible. What I didn't anticipate, however, was their eagerness to tell

  Mrs. Westington what they had just seen. She was still up and waiting for them in the living room. I imagined to bawl them out for not calling or letting her la-low what they were doing. But if that was what she wanted to do, she never got the chance to voice her complaint, or if she began, Rhona quickly interrupted and used me to change the subject.

  When I finally walked in. Mrs. Westington was still seated in her chair. They had gone up to bed. She raised her eyes and turned to me. It took only one look at her face to see and understand what they had done.

  "Did Rhona tell me the truth just now? Were you with Tyler Monahan over at your uncle's motor home tonight?"

  "Yes." I said, my eyes down. "Was it a coincidence or did you and he plan to meet there?"

  "We planned it," I said.

  "I see. Well, you both have a right to do what

  you want," she said. "As far as I knew, you were going over there to organize your things. I knew nothing about Tyler and Rhona was happy to see the surprise on my face. I just don't like it looking like something dirty or sneaky."

  I felt so terrible adding to the weight of her troubles and worries.

  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to be either. Tyler was more concerned about anyone knowing than I was," I added, and immediately felt like a tattletale trying to let herself out of trouble by blaming most of it on someone who was with her at the time.

  "Uh-huh. Knowing his mother, that doesn't surprise me." she said. She sighed deeply and stood. "I was hoping there would be trust between us."

  "There is. I'm sorry." I said, this time nearly shedding tears.

  "Rhona just loves jumping all over something like this, not that she has a right to poke an accusing finger at anyone else ever. You just can't give her the opportunity. She was always like that, eager to point to someone else's weaknesses or troubles as a way of diminishing her own. I didn't bring her up that way. She inherited it from some ancestor who was probably hanged as a witch in Salem or more probably one of those who hanged poor women who were accused. I was never like most mothers. lying to herself about her own child. Never trust her, no matter what she tells you. April.'

  "I know."

  "Well, we
'd best go to sleep. Contrary to what I had hoped, it looks like we'll be needing all our strength for the days to come." she said. "Good night."

  "Good night and I'm really sorry this

  happened."

  She lifted her hand but continued on. I watched her walk out of the living room. She climbed the stairs as if she was climbing Mount Everest, Without even knowing her that well, I hated Rhona more than I had ever hated anyone for what she had done. but I hated myself even more tonight for giving her the opportunity to add to Mrs. Westington's grief and worry.

  I barely slept, anticipating the coming of morning and whatever else Rhona and Skeeter would do. My conscience was like a hammer pounding at me, pointing out that after all Mrs. Westington had done and wanted to do for me. I had only made her lift and Echo's life more difficult. A number of times during the night. I actually thought to get up, get dressed, take my things, and sneak off before morning came. I truly felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Finally, maybe only an hour or so before the sunlight washed way the darkness. I fell into an exhaustion and slept.

  Echo shook me awake to tell me her mother had come home. She had peaked through the slightly open bedroom door and seen her in bed.

  "And the dream catcher worked!" she declared with excitement in her face as she signed, "I didn't have any nightmares."

  I should have bought one for myself, too, I thought, but said nothing. I told her how happy I was for her. Full of new energy and hope, she urged me to hurry along while she went on to help her

  grandmother with breakfast. I moved like a zombie, but got washed and dressed and went downstairs. Mrs. Westington still looked troubled and tired to me, but neither of us said anything more about the events from the night before. What should have been a wondrous, memorable experience for me had become

  troublesome and embarrassing. Would I ever have a satisfying romantic experience?

  After breakfast I waited outside to greet Tyler before he entered the house so I could warn him about what had happened. With all her work to be done spread out on the desk. Echo was in the office eagerly waiting for him. Trevor had gone to buy some supplies he needed at the lumber company. and Rhona and Skeeter were sleeping late as usual. The moment I saw Tyler's sports car turn into the driveway, I hurried to meet him.

  "What?" he said, seeing the look on my face. I told him what Rhona had done and how Mrs. Westington was disappointed in our sneaking around the property.

  "I'm sure she made me look disgusting to Mrs. Westington," he said, as if he were the only one in the motor home. "I was afraid that would happen," he added, walking toward the house. "I almost didn't come back to tutor,"